Dungeons & Demons
by Dignity Pending
Summary: Charlie tries to get the guests at the Happy Hotel to play Dungeons & Dragons. However, it doesn’t go over very well.
1. Chapter 1: “The Pub at Nine”

As usual, it was quiet, to say the least, in the Happy Hotel. Today, however, was unusually quiet, and Angel, Husk, and Vaggie were boredly sitting in the waiting room of the Hotel.

Angel was resting his head on a hand, looking at his fingernails, Vaggie was boredly laying back on the couch staring at the ceiling, and Husk, of course, was in possession of a large bottle of whiskey which he thru back into his gullet every few seconds.

"Damnit Husk, I thought we talked to you about your drinking," Vaggie scolded him somewhat, without breaking eye contact with the ceiling as at this point, she was mostly bored more than anything.

"Oh relax! It's seven 'o' clock and this is my first one. That's a pretty great fuckin' improvement in my book," Husk retorted, taking another swig of his beverage.

"That's just a little bit sad."

"Oh suck me off!"

"Sure!" Angel cut in.

"God damnit," Husk grumbled, taking another swig of his beverage.

"Let's all cool down a bit guys," Charlie passively reprimanded as she walked in from upstairs.

"Oh thank god. I was getting tired of babysitting these two," Vaggie tiredly moaned as she finally broke eye contact with the ceiling to pay attention to Charlie.

"Hey! I wasn't doing anything!" Angel protested, putting his arms in the air confusedly.

"Sex jokes," Vaggie stated flatly.

"Oh come on! He walked right into it!"

"I don't care. No sex jokes."

"Oh you're no fun!"

"Okay, calm down. Now, _I_ just had a great plan for what we're gonna do today!" Charlie exclaimed excitedly, bouncing a bit in excitment.

"Ah son of a bitch! Any idea you have that you think is '_good_' is gonna suck for us," Angel whined, getting up from his seat. "Get me in on that shit," Angel said as he snatched Husks booze from him and took a long hard swig before Husk snatched it back, turning the opposite way from him, and mantling over it like a bird of prey as he drank.

"Hey, my mouth was on that so it's kinda like you're makin' out with me," Angel flirted, giving Husk a seductive look.

Husk grumbled as he shoved the bottle into Angel's hands, and walked to his not-to-far-away bar just at the front doors.

Charlie, of course, try to give the team of bit of a pep talk: "Oh come on guys! It'll be fun! It's called Dungeons and-"

"Wait, wait, wait, Husk said from the bar as he looked for a new drink, "I think I've heard of this before. Isn't it that shitty board game that came out in the 70s that all the kids who got the shit beat out of them in school and lived in their parents basement played?"

"Nope!" Charlie chirped, still perky as usual, "It's the delightful fantasy game loaded with potential bonding, socialization, creativity, and storytelling!"

"Oh. Well, that sounds fuckin' worse."

"Oh shut up," Vaggie interjected, putting a hand on Charlie's shoulder, "I think it could be fun."

"Yay!" Charlie shouted, bouncing up and down like a happy child. "Okay! Everybody make sure to meet in the pub at nine, and yes Angel it is mandatory."

"Damnit!"

Charlie proceeded to skip gleefully into a closet at the back of the room.

"Ya know, it's at times like this that I remember I'm in hell," Angel groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.


	2. Chapter 2: “John Smith”

It was 9 'o' clock, and Vaggie, Angel, and Husk we're heading to the pub as expected. Vaggie opened the door ahead of the two other demons, and inside was Charlie with a giddy smile on her face, sitting at a large, quickly set up table, surrounded by stacks of books and papers, as well as pens, pencils, dice, and a trifold screen standing in front of her. The lights were off, and the room was lit by candles. Vaggie starred in utter disbelief for a few seconds.

"Ok, you two wait out hear and don't start anything. I'll be out in a minute ," she said, as she slowly shut the door behind her. "Okay hun, no offense but, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm not sure. What?" Charlie replied, cocking her head to the side like a curious puppy.

"The candles Charlie. The candles."

"Oh! Well I thought it might be easier to get them engaged if I set the mood!" Charlie happily sang as she wiggled slightly in her chair.

"Yeah, or have them set each other on fire."

"I- oh."

"Uh huh."

Charlie's smile changed to a concerned frown. In her excitement, she forgot that that was actually a very real possibility.

"So no candles," she said sheepishly.

"No. No candles."

Meanwhile, outside of the pub, Angel and Husk were bordely waiting for their inevitable fate. Angel was leaning up against the wall with both his pairs of arms crossed. Husk, on the other hand, was just standing straight, drinking his whiskey.

"Man, this is stupid," Angel whined, as he gently banged the back of his head against the wall.

"Mhm," Husk replied apathetically, trying to get the last few dribbles from his bottle of whiskey, "Damnit no booze. This is gonna be so much fuckin' worse now".

Just then, Vaggie opened the door to let the two.

"Come in," she sighed.

"Alright, let's just get this over with," Angel groaned as he walked in.

As husk saw the books he somehow managed to grimace more than he already was.

"Son of a bitch! You didn't say we'd have to fuckin' read!" He shouted in distaste.

"Oh come _on_, reading's fun!" Charlie cooed happily trying to quell his displeasure.

"Hell, I couldn't read even if I wasn't drunk!"

"Yeah and I-" Angel started before being swiftly interrupted.

"Okay! Okay! Every buddy shut up! Shut. The fuck. Up!"

"God, fine! _But_-" Angel started before being silenced once more.

"Shut. Up," Vaggie hissed thru gritted teeth.

"Whatever," Angel sighed, crossing his arms.

"Um… okay… you guys can have a seat anywhere you like around the table," Charlie said nervously, trying to be careful not to set of the two… three, ticking bombs. Husk sat the furthest he could from Charlie as possible, and seeing that the spot was taken, Angel took the second furthest. Vaggie took her seat right next to Charlie.

"Okay, so the first thing we're going to do is create some characters," Charlie said happily, in an attempt to get the group excited.

"Okay fine. My character's name is John Smith, and he's a guy. There: Character. Fucking. Done. I'm going to go get a drink," Husk scooted out of his chair and tried to quickly escape thru the door. Vaggie quickly stood up and dashed over blocking the door.

"Sit… down," Vaggie panted, exasperated.

Husk nervously walked backward back to his seat, never breaking eye contact. After he was completely seated, Vaggie returned to her seat, sustaining a death glare with him the whole time.

Charlie inhaled deeply. "Okay can we please try to put some effort into this," Charlie said with the facial expression of an upset mother.

"Whatever," Husk mumbled, boredly tapping a finger on the table.

Charlie exhaled before quickly returning to her usual happy disposition.

"Alrighty! The first thing you have to do is pick a class," she happily piped, passing him a large, hardcover book already flipped to the required page, as well as a character sheet with it.

"No. I hate all classes. I hate schools period," The winged cat stated, denying Charlie's offered book and paper, pushing them back to her.

"Not like _that_! Basically you get to pick what your character does, and depending on which one you pick you get different-" Husk cut Charlie off before she could finish.

"Okay, stop talking, I don't give a fuck, and you're giving me too much shit to think about. Give me whichever… whatever the fuck it's called, that requires no thinking."

"Fine," Charlie sighed, exaggeratedly pouting, "You're no fun." Charlie proceeded to write him down as a fighter.

"Next we have to pick your character's name," Charlie sighed, clearly getting just a bit bored herself, as her perky attitude began to waver.

"John Smith," Husk replied flatly, resting his head boredly on his hand as he glared at Charlie.

"John Smith?" Charlie asked blankly.

"John Smith."

"But… _why_?"

"John. Fucking. Smith."

Charlie begrudgingly wrote John Smith as his character name looking straight at him with a deadpan expression as she did so.


	3. Chapter 3: “Inuendo”

Two and a half hours later, and Husk's character was finally finished. John Smith, an adequate at best human fighter, armed with an adequate at best greatsword, and adequate at best skills. Charlie did most of the work, as Husk really couldn't possibly be bothered to give a fuck. Speaking of Husk, he was face first on the table snoring loudly. To be frank, everyone around the table, even Vaggie, were passed out face first on the table.

After finishing a tiny stick figure sketch of the character on the back of the sheet as a little finishing touch, Charlie was finally finished.

"It's done!" She yipped, partly to get everyone's attention, partly because she was relieved it was over.

Everyone around the table launched awake.

"The fuck? Where the hell am I?" Husk quarried, as he looked to his right to see Angel Dust, "Oh god no." He then looked in front of him to see the two girls across the table, Charlie staring at him with an eager grin, and Vaggie tiredly rubbing her eyes.

"Damnit!"

"Here you go," Charlie chimed as she passed him the Character sheet.

"Fine," the cat groaned as he snatched the paper from the princess's hands. He grumbled under his breath in displeasure as he looked at the page. "Why are there so many fuckin' numbers?"

Charlie played with her ponytail anxiously as Husk slowly lowered the paper from his face revealing a furious grimace.

"You didn't say we'd have to do fuckin' math."

"Well if I said that you had to do math you wouldn't play," Charlie replied with the sad eyes of a puppy.

"Ugh. Whatever," Husk continued examining his character sheet with a perplexed expression on his face.

"Okay, I guess that makes it my turn," Angel said with a groan.

"Mhm," Charlotte affirmed, smiling happily.

"Alright," Angel sighed, "Welp, if I have to do dis I might as well do it well."

"Yay!" Charlie happily clapped her hands together before passing Angel an empty character sheet and a pencil.

"Jesus that's a lot of boxes," Angel said analyzing the imposing sheet of paper, "Alright. What do I have to do first?"

"Well, first you're gonna have to pick your race."

"Okay… I pick white."

"No not like that," Charlie said, as struggled somewhat to lift the hardcover book she had attempted to give to Husk, still flipped to the appropriate page, and passed it to Angel.

Angel stared at the book with a confused expression, "The hell's this?"

"A book," Charlie stated matter-of-factly.

"Right," Angel said sarcastically as he felt the weight of the book, "See, now thanks for the clarification. Otherwise I may have mistook it for a fuckin' bludgeon."

"Yeah, it _is_ actually pretty heavy," Charlie conceded as she slowly rubbed her sore wrists.

Angel looked down at the page, being greeted by the realistic drawings of various fantasy peoples, most of which, honestly, just looked like regular people with absurd proportions.

Angel chuckled as he looked at the pages, "Look at these guys there fuckin hilarious." As he continued to flip thru the pages, he found one that was particularly entertaining. "Hah! Holy shit look at the fucking gnome!" He slapped the table as he laughed. "Yeah, that ain't gonna be me that's for fucking sure!"

"Oh my god Just make a decision!" Vaggie shouted, "We've been here for hours!"

"God fine!" Angel continued to flip thru the pages.

"Hey this guy's pretty hot," Angel said as he held up the book with the page turned to a picture of a red, demon like character with a long, thick tail and horns.

"That's called a tiefling," Charlie explained, "They're like weird... Demon… human… hybrid… things. It's weird."

"Yeah, sure," Angel said shrugging his shoulders, "I'm fine with the… titling, or whatever."

"Cool beans! Just put it down above the race line on your sheet there," Charlie said grinning ear to ear, apparently oblivious to Angel's crude mispronunciation of "tiefling. ''And now you gotta give him a name."

"Is there some stupid extra step I need to do for that to?" Angel said, with a bored looking expression on his face

"Not really. I mean, the book _does_ have some suggestions though."

"Fine," Angel boredly scanned thru the book to try and find a name for his character, "It says here that tieflings are usually named after something they want want to be good at," Angel smirked and wrote his name of choice on the paper, "There ya go."

"Awesome! What did you choose?" Charlie said excitedly.

"Voila," Angel said as he presented the paper to Charlie and Vaggie.

"Dude! You can't just name your character 'Sex'!" Vaggie growled furiously gesturing at him with her hands.

"Fuck you! Yes I can! Isn't this game supposed to be about creativity and roleplay and shit?" Angel argued.

"Well yeah, but you can't just-" Vaggie tried to retort before being cut off by Charlie.

"It's fine, let him do it," Charlie sighed resting her head on her hands.

"Hah! Suck it bitch!" Angel gloated pointing with three of his hands at Vaggie, slapping the paper on the table with his fourth.

"Angel don't be mean," Charlie said with a disapproving frown.

"Ugh. Fine 'mom'. Now what do I have to do?"

"Now, we're gonna pick a class," Charlie calmly stated to Angel.

"Alright… Which class makes-?" Angel asked tried to ask, before being interrupted by Charlie.

"Just write 'bard' above the class line..."


	4. Chapter 4: “Ruptured Eardrums”

After just an hour or so, Angel's character was finished; a tiefling bard named Sex. Obviously. Angel was a lot more compliant with the whole process than Husk was, but Charlie _was_ still a little uncomfortable with the whole… sex... thing.

"Okay," Charlie sighed, stretching, "... wait, where's husk?

"God damnit!" Vaggie pinched her nose, before getting up walking to the door, and popping her head out of it, "HUSK- oh." There Husk was, standing right in front of her, with ruptured eardrums.

"Son of bitch!" Husk growled, slowly rubbing his annihilated ears.

"Oh… uh, sorry," Vaggie apologized, feeling a bit embarrassed, as Husk walked into the room. As he walked in, however, Vaggie spotted a full bottle of whiskey in Husk's hand.

"Husk!" She shouted.

"What!" He shouted back.

Vaggie gestured emphatically at the whiskey in Husks hands.

"Okay, this is literally the _only_ fucking thing that's going to give me the mental ability to play this game."

"No! Put. The alcohol. BACK!"

"No, screw off."

"Charlie!" Vaggie whined, glowering at Charlie as if she expected her to help take care of the situation.

"Husk, could you please go back and get something with _less_ alcohol," Charlie said calmly.

"Mmph. Fine," Husk grumbled as he stepped out of the room. Vaggie grumpily stomped back and sat next to Charlie.

"It's the only way we're gonna be able to get him to stay," Charlie said putting her hand on Vaggie shoulder.

"I guess," Vaggie responded, her expression softening.

"Once you two are done makin' out with each other ya think we can get on to actually doin' this fuckin' thing," Angel joked, casualy leaning back in his seat.

Vaggie facepalmed, while Charlie just continued on as if he never said anything.

"We'll get to it, but first…," Charlie slowly slid a character sheet in front of Vaggie.

"Vaggie, do _you_ want to play?" Charlie said with an enormous smile on her face.

"Oh, okay," Vaggie said, taking the paper with a small smirk on her face.

And, of course, Angel had to step in: "Oh god just fuck already!"


	5. Chapter 5: “Ready to Start”

After yet another hour, Vaggie's character was done; a half-orc rogue named Slate. As Charlie helped Vaggie make her character, Husk returned with a beer… okay fine, two beers. However, Charlie let him keep them at Vaggie's dismay, as she thought that the 'bonding' Husk would experience from the game outweighed the cons of him drinking.

"Alrighty," Charlie said, beginning to bounce in her seat once more with childlike joy, "I think we're ready to start!"

"Fuckin' finally!" Angel sighed exasperatedly, straightening his position in his seat, "Alright, whadda we gotta do first?"

"Yeah. We're does this fuckin' nightmare begin," Husk added, before finishing off one of his beers.

Vaggie simply rolled her eyes at the two.

"Well, first, take these," Charlie said, still smiling as she passed out bags of small, polyhedral die.

"What the fuck are these?" Husk grumbled, examining the tiny, oddly shaped objects.

"Those," Charlie explained, "Are polyhedral die."

Husk simply looked more confused.

"Their regular dice except funny shapes," Charlie said flatly, simplifying it for him.

"Hmph," Husk heaved, grimacing at the small pieces of plastic.

"Now what," Angel asked, as he sifted thru the dice, inspecting each one.

"Now," Charlie began to wiggle in her chair with excitement, "I have to set the scene!"

Charlie cleared her throat before attempting to be as foreboding as possible, "You find yourselves in a dimly lit tavern, in the middle of a strange land. The tables are filled with suspicious looking people, and-"

"I get a drink," Husk interrupted, as he pulled yet another beer out from apparently nowhere.

"Where the hell do you keep getting these things from!" Vaggie exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air.

"Close up magic; it's a great way to fuck with people for money. And to get booze," Husk said blankly as he twisted the cap off of the beer.

"Ugh," Vaggie, crossed her arms and rolled her eyes yet again.

"Oh… kay, well if you want to get a drink you're gonna need to talk to the bartender," Charlie said, picking back up after being interrupted by Husk and Vaggie's previous passive-aggressive exchange.

"Ugh, fine," Husk groaned, "I go talk to the bartender."

Charlie cleared her throat, attempting to pull of a gruff British voice, but ending up with a result that was mostly just adorable, "Oy bub, that's gonna cost you at least two copper pieces."

Vaggie embarrassed, pinched her nose at her girlfriend 'acting' attempt.

"Whatever-" Husk began, before Angel Dust cut him off.

"Now hold on a second," He said, leaning forward with his elbows on the table, "I go up to the barkeep and I say 'Give us two beers and I'll suck your dick for free'".

"Oh my god," Vaggie said resting her face in her hands.

Charlie stared at him with a mostly deadpan, though somewhat discomforted expression on her face; she couldn't help but blame herself for not expecting this to happen. "Roll a d20."

"What the hell's that mean?" Angel asked; Charlie didn't really go over any of the terminology before hand.

"The big die in your bag, roll it," Charlie responded, not even blinking as she still maintained her contorted expression.

Angel rolled the die: "20."

Charlie hid her face behind her hair, and inhaled deeply. "He… He wants you to suck his dick."

Vaggie slammed her head on the table.

"Hah. Sweet," Angel said, leaning back in his chair. At least he appeared to be enjoying himself.

"You know, normally I would complain about this," Husk said, "But honestly, I got free booze, so who cares."

"We'll alright then! Me and the bartender go into the wine cellar and- oh wait, there is a wine cellar right?" Angel asked.

"Uh… sure," Charlie said, poking her face out slightly from her hair, her face possessing an even more uncomfortable expression than before.

"Great! So, I go down into the wine cellar-"

"Uh huh…" Charlie said emotionlessly.

"And I start takin' his pants off-" Angel continued.

"Mhm," Charlie peeped, lifting her legs to her chin and curling into a fetal position in her chair.

"And-," Angel tried to continue before being terminated.

"And I stab Angel in the back of the head with a knife," Vaggie cut in giving Angel a smug look.

"Wait hold on, can she do that!? She can't do that!"

"Roll a d20," Charlie succinctly peeped, still curled into a little ball in her chair.

Vaggie rolled: "20."

"What the fuck!" Angel screeched, his voice cracking as he did so.

Husk chuckled.

"Oh shut up!" Angel retorted in a fit of rage.

"The knife goes straight thru the back of your skull; you're dead," Charlie said quickly, still deadpan and fetal, like a child who just witnessed a murder.

"Agh! Damnit," Angel yelled, "You bitch! I swear to god I'm gonna replace that 'x' on your face with my fuckin' die!"

"Oh yeah?! Come at me shitface!" Vaggie responded, grabbing the book that was nearest and chucking it at him. Angel swiftly dodged out of the way.

"Oh it's on now bitch!" Angel yelled, beaning her in the head with his d20 before velociraptor-leaping on top of her from across the table. Husk simply continued drinking, staring blankly into space.

Meanwhile, Angel was proceeding to rip out Vaggie's hair with all four of his arms. Vaggie reached blindly around herself before grabbing another book and smacking Angel across the face with it. She then got up and tackled him onto the table. Husk continued continuing drinking. Charlie, meanwhile, began to cry. This distracted Vaggie for a second , giving Angel the opportunity to slug her across the face with two of his arms. Vaggie fell on the floor incapacitated.

"I WIN!" Angel screamed, "I WIN AT DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS!"

Charlie continued to sob, Husk continued to drink, Angel continued to yell, and Vaggie continued to lay drooling and unconscious on the floor.


	6. Epilogue: “Heartfelt Moment”

First there was something, then there was nothing. Which is just a 'profound' way to say that the pub was fucking annihilated. Charlie, Vaggie, and the goat boys were cleaning up the wake of disaster. Splintered wood, shattered glass, torn papers, and destroyed furniture were just some of the ruins.

"Charlie," Vaggie said, looking at her girlfriend thru the corner of her eye.

"Yeah," Charlie mumbled sadly as she picked up another piece of glass.

"I… I'm sorry"

"That's okay," Charlie mumbled once more, "I should've known this would be a bad idea."

"Don't be so hard on yourself hun," Vaggie said, resting a hand on Charlie's shoulder, "It wasn't a _bad_ idea."

Charlie sighed, pulling off a smile as she clasped Vaggie's hand in hers.

"H-hey," A voice came from the doorway; it was Angel Dust.

"What do you want," Vaggie sighed not even glancing at him.

"I-uh… I just wanted to say I'm sorry… I… um… I was being a bit of a dick back there," Angel apologized rubbing the back of his neck.

"Awwww, Angel!" Charlie cooed.

"Alright! Don't make a big deal out of it!" Angel complained, as he walked off.

"Hmm. I guess it kinda worked after all," Charlie said, a smile slowly creasing across her face.

"Yeah. I guess so," Vaggie replied, rubbing her girlfriend's shoulder.

Meanwhile, during this heartfelt moment, Husk was in the bar at the hotel's entrance. He had a bottle of whiskey open that he was nursing.

"Wow," he mumbled to himself, "... that was even fuckin' worse than I thought it would be."


End file.
